The Importance of Setting Boundaries

A boundary is anything that marks a limit, I am sure you have heard people say “you crossed a line.” We all have boundaries, limitations we have put in place to protect our financial, physical, emotional, and mental well being. However, while most of us feel that we have these boundaries built on our value systems and morals many of us have porous boundaries.

Porous boundaries are not uncommon and are identified as over-sharing personal information, the inability to say NO to people, and being too involved in other people’s problems. More obvious examples are people who tolerate any kind of abuse or disrespect. You may also need boundaries if you aren’t able to voice your own opinions and feel guilty for how others feel.
Creating personal boundaries is what allows us to thrive at our fullest potential. We can be healthy and happy in our relationships, be they friendships, partnerships, family, or intimate.

photo credit: www.habitsforwellbeing.com

Types of Boundaries:

Digital boundaries with family, friends, or partners can extend themselves to following each other on social media. You are allowed to restrict who can access your digital platforms as a friend or follower and restrict whether or not a partner has access to your passwords. Sometimes we have to set these boundaries to avoid unnecessary judgments or conflicts that arise from people’s interpretations of what they see or opinions on what you post.
Emotional boundaries can be a bit harder to define and put in place because of the guilt we often feel when creating these boundaries. My boundaries may differ from yours simply because of my upbringing and socialisation. Emotional boundaries are the separation of your feelings from another person’s feelings. Are you able to take responsibility for your feelings and not someone else’s?

Physical boundaries extend themselves to intimacy among friends and lovers, or are you a hugger? Do you enjoy public displays of affection? Are you more reserved and believe that affection is for behind closed doors? Physical boundaries extend themselves to your body, personal space, and privacy. These boundaries are violated when someone is standing too close to you in the check-out line, inappropriately touching you, or by going through someone’s phone, laptop or journal.

When it comes to sexual boundaries we talk about your expectations and desires around physical intimacy. Healthy sexual boundaries must include consent and mutual agreements. What are you okay with? What are you not okay with? You must clearly define these boundaries and let your partner know what sex positions are off-limits, what sex positions you enjoy, and when it is okay to touch you. It also extends to language around sex, like sexual comments where do you draw the line?

It might surprise you to find out that there are intellectual boundaries too, such as respecting different views and ideas. You may find yourself talking down to someone that you disagree with. The consequences can be damaging to your relationships with people you care about; boundaries might be necessary when it comes to religion, politics, and other subjects. On the other hand, if you find yourself afraid to share your views or opinions because of the other person’s reaction then you will need to put boundaries in place. These boundaries should allow you to feel safe to discuss things with the people in your life without fear of judgement or hurt feelings.

Last but not least is financial boundaries, which are important to have with friends, partners, family, and colleagues. Have you ever found yourself overextending yourself by settling the bill when you go out or buying your co-worker lunch? Be clear about when, where, why, and how you choose to spend your money. Nobody is entitled to your hard-earned money, boundaries are often tricky with family because we feel guilty for not giving if others don’t have. I like to think of it like this if you don’t take care of yourself, how will you be able to take care of others?

Create boundaries around money conversations, don’t discuss your earnings if it puts you in a difficult position. Make sure you create a budget and healthy spending and saving habits. Learn when to say YES and when to say NO! Porous financial boundaries show themselves in people who are always paying the bill or buying meals for others. While you may earn more or have the money, people are adults and can look after themselves. You create a financial co-dependency that is extremely unhealthy and ultimately can cause resentment and friction in your relationships.